Death and Rebirth

I have been settling in the Idea of Paradoxes, that without one the other would simply not exist. Without Sadness you could not experience joy, without love you can’t experience lose. Without this experience in your life would you really shift perspectives? What is there to gain if you do not lose something, what do you stand to learn if you know everything. Naivety is a blessing but you will never know if you choose to believe what you know now is all there is. I am sad to say without the experience I went thru, I am almost positive I would not have the perspective and outlook on life that I do now.

A very close loved one of mine has passed away just this past month, the experience was gruesome. It was my first death, the first one that meant the most to me and the only one I didn’t want to happen. I can still hear my own screams, whaling in agony, I can feel the dryness in my mouth from crying so loud. The constant streams of tears coming down my face, the heavy pain in my chest. The shaking I felt in my hands, my breath becoming so shallow I might have fainted or thrown up if it weren’t for those around me, keeping me calm. The harsh thing about grief and loss is the hope that dissolves, the faith that disappears at the blink of an eye. You have to sit with the fact that what they said was true and the choices we made were in the past now, that it is too late to do anything about it. This is the outcome and you can not turn around change what has been done.

However, within these feelings, I have this odd feeling of exhilaration of rebirth, this whisper in my ear. That all that was taught to me was not taught in vain. I truly don’t believe before this experience I viewed my life as precious, I drifted in a haze of fog that seeped in thru the cracks and clouded my perspective. My reality use to be a slow rolling ball climbing up and very large hill aimless in direction and as heavy as can be. I always believed, people can change and turn their life around they can become whomever they wish on being if they put their mind to it. But not if the ghost of Death comes knocking at your door before you get the chance to do something about it.

You truly only have one life, I am sure I am late to the party when I say this. But before because of my perfectionist foundation, I use to have such a large fear of failure and not in the way you might think. Let me break this down. With a certain amount of failures you are sure to succeed at least a handle full of times within that, I fear the success on the other side. Because with success you are no longer able to fail, you are seen as this perfect thing this big ball of light that can’t falter or waiver that can’t be wretched or horrible. Someone that is no longer able to be human. My fear is being dehumanized in the glory that comes with success.

So I hide, falter, waiver and do what I must to feed the need for acceptance from myself while at the same time not cross any lines. I confine myself to what looks best, I become whomever people see me as because that seems more fun, upholding the expectation that people put me at. But that is the funny thing about expectations, whether it is you that has it for yourself or someone that has it for you. You are in fact completely unable to uphold it regardless of what you might believe.

My expectations for myself are high, if you can’t tell from my lack of fear towards success, I have a hard time settling for practically anything. I am a steady climb towards whatever is above me, The bigger house, the prettiest car, the easy lifestyle, the higher paying job, the larger networking circle, the better career, the fancier closet. Absolutely nothing wrong with wanting more for yourself, that is me convincing myself my mindset is healthy when it is not, but with wanting more in turn you believe you lack. Lack everything.

When that is not the case, my Privilege made it so hard for me to see that. Not to say in the eyes of society I hold so much privilege, but I definitely have more than most. I have a roof over my head, a well paying job, a car that works, a family that loves me, friends that care about me, food in my belly and clothes on my back. I have more than most and because of this capitalist hustle grind mentality and lifestyle everyone is forcing you to uphold, it is difficult to sit with your privilege and say this is enough for now. I am grateful where I am, I am proud of where I came and I FINALLY have a shifted perspective.

It feels like I have had this realization too many times, I might have it a few more times until it clicks, but I feel like it is finally clicking this time. I am in such a great position, I am finally proud of where I am, I have so many things to look forward to, so many thing I haven’t done yet that I can do. I can’t and won’t let my expectations for a better life force me into my perfectionist bubble that has shunned any and all excitement that could take precedence in shaping my life into one that could ultimately exceed the expectation I initially set for myself.

Someone wrote once

“There are luxuries in life that you couldn’t even dream to ask for”

Don’t spend all your time trying to manifest a life that you couldn’t even imagine what it might look like.

“meet the universe half way and let it meet you the other half.”

Not everything can be planned to a T, you must stop pocket watching your own dreams and aspirations. I have found there is one paradox that doesn’t hold true. That within the journey there will finally be a destination, that is not the truth. There is only, the journey. They sold us a pack of lies, thinking that in the end. There will be a promised land and valley that holds all the fruits of our labor. What a pipe dream. That fruit fuels our labor, enjoy the journey because that is all we have. Constantly be the student in earth school and then finally be a teacher. But we never stop learning, the end is only our passing and even then we have taught so many others. The learning never stops it only grows and transmits into love for those we’ve made a connection with.

Be at Peace with the work you are yet to do, be happy with all you haven’t touched yet. Hope isn’t for the weak it’s for the ones that dare to dream of a bigger dream. The love that I was given lives inside me, Although I am still grieving and will, for I’d say forever. The shock value is dissolving because her words will forever live on and any chance I get I am going to preach her love and only hope she looks down at me proud to call me her granddaughter.

The Stray

- Kitten xoxo